Transformers: Dark of the Moon. 3D

Lens flare courtesy of J.J. Abrams.

This will be a different kind of review. We're doing this Transoformers-style. (What?)

So, Autobots are GOOD. Decepticons are BAD.

That's all you need to know. Now here we go.

OPTIMUS PRIME

AUTOBOT

A.k.a. "The Franchise"

Optimus Prime is the best Prime. Ever. Because Peter Cullen is the voice of God, and Optimus Prime speaks with Peter Cullen's voice, then Optimus Prime is God.

SHIA LaBEOUF

AUTOBOT

Shia getting fit for future action roles.

Shia is a good actor, no matter what other critics say. Yes, he does specialize in slapstick. But this is a Michael Bay film. Come on.

MR. and MRS. WITWICKY

DECEPTICONS

Couldn't find a pic of them in this movie.
So here they are from Revenge of the Fallen,
where they are no less annoying.

Frankly, they are annoying. Especially the mother. Honestly, you could scratch their parts out and save screen time. Which Michael Bay could use for more explosions.

SOUNDWAVE

AUTOBOT

Soundwave, according to Google search.

Ooooohhh. Soundwave. For fans who've been waiting to hear Soundwave's voice, you will not be disappointed. You will recognize that soothing 80s Soundwave voice we all grew up with. It's nostalgic.

JOHN MALKOVICH

AUTOBOT

"By the way, John, I love your hair."

I've always loved John Malkovich, even if he does seem to always speak in that slightly annoying manner. But he is hilarious, no question about that.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

DECEPTICON

McWhat-the-hell-are-you-lookin'-at

He didn't really do any acting, unless trying to get the ladies wet by smiling can be considered acting. Plus, anyone who's better-looking than me is a Decepticon.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

AUTOBOT

She has a British accent.

She's hot. If Cameron Diaz and Rachel Weisz got married, then one of them had a sex change, then they fornicated and the other one got pregnant and gave birth, the child would be Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

JOHN TURTURRO

AUTOBOT

"I make car-seat-leather jackets look good."

Turturro has been consistently great in all three Transformers films. And should there be a fourth one (God forbid), then he should be in there, too.

WHEELJACK

DECEPTICON

"I look like a creepy robot Albert Einstein."

When we were kids, and we pretended to be Transformers, I would always be Wheeljack, because I wasn't the alpha male, and because I was the smartest. What the filmmakers did with Wheeljack here is insulting. He's ugly. He's got stupid hair, and a stupid accent. And he's ugly.

SENTINEL PRIME

DECEPTICON

"I sound like Mr. Spock."

He was voiced by Leonard Nimoy. But what they should've done was kill off Megatron in the second film, then bring him back as Galvatron in this film, then let Leonard Nimoy voice him. Sorry, I just loved the animated film so much.

FRANCES McDORMAND

AUTOBOT

"I've got bills to pay."

Frances McDormand's presence in this film takes away the "Only Girl in a Sea of Testosterone" title from Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. And she does great, by the way. Although she does act a bit mannish. But that's her.

BUZZ ALDRIN

AUTOBOT

Buzz Aldrin pick-up line: Wanna see my giant leap?

Shia LaBeouf is an Autobot. And Autobots don't hang out with Decepticons. So according to this picture, by association, Buzz Aldrin is an Autobot. I heard even Optimus Prime peed in his pants when he came face-to-face with Buzz Aldrin.

and finally...

MICHAEL BAY

DECEPTICON

"So I yell, 'Action!' and then kaboom! Then Josh runs there, then kaboom! Then the Autobots arrive here, then kaboom! Then Shia runs over there, then kaboom! Then the Decepticons arrive, then kaboom!"

Mr. Bay, if you can spend thousands of hours of rendering time on hyper-realistic metal robots, couldn't you have spent even a couple of hundred hours for even just semi-realistic faces of past US presidents? Because honestly, they looked like shit.

And now, just a short comment on the 3D. (You can skip this part if you like.)

Michael Bay does not know 3D. Honestly, the best stereography for me is still Avatar. I think the ideal scenario would be to have a director who knows 3D better than the stereographer. Such is the case with James Cameron. And such is not the case with Michael Bay.

Michael Bay does not know how to pace his 3D. The 3D should intensify along with the action. The more intense the action, the greater the 3D effect.

Also, I read that for some shots that required super-slow motion (but still retaining the high resolution), they just shot in 2D then converted it. Boo.



*some info from IMDb
pics from YouTube, All Movie Photo, Deviant Art, Spotlight Report, Star Clipper, Absolute Fiction, Prntscreen, Cinema Blend, TQN here, here, here and here, TF Wiki, Screen Crave, Ace Showbiz, and IMDb



Transformers: Dark of the Moon. USA. 2011.


Rating: Seven out of ten.
3D-ness: Six out of ten.



You may also want to check out Sue Denim's review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Or you could read the reviews of Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Or you could read the review of the 1986 animated film.