American Horror Story. Season 1

I don't remember the last time I saw a horror show on television. That's because I'm a wuss. It's not that I don't like them. It's just that I like getting scared, but I don't like getting scared. I'm not making sense. Let me put it this way. It's like you don't like the smell of your own fart, because it smells like rotten eggs, but you smell them anyway. It's the same with horror stories.

Anyway, this show seems to be critically acclaimed or something. But I've never heard of it. And that's the great thing about watching things which you know nothing about. There are no prejudices to begin with. So that when you like the show, you like it because it appeals to you, and not because of some review you read on a website by some writer who knows nothing of cinema.


1. "Pilot"

That's not what she really looks like.

Yes, it is creepy. The down syndrome kid is creepy. The burned-up guy Larry (Denis O'Hare) is creepy. The old maid is creepy. But the young maid is hot. And Violet Harmon (Taissa Farmiga) is cute. And yes, she is Vera's kid sister.


2. "Home Invasion"

Check out the man-boobs.

Really, this show is way too creepy. Constance Langdon (Jessica Lange) is a bitch. And the murders are really... creepy. Okay, gruesome. So wait, the old/young maid is a ghost? And so is the punk kid Tate (Evan Peters), right? But if they're ghosts, how are they... oh never mind. By the way, Ben Harmon (Dylan McDermott) looks like Adam Levine.


3. "Murder House"

And that's how the maid got the creepy eye.

All right, this show is getting pretty confusing. The "Murder House" has seen way too many murders since 1922. And now there's another one. Hayden McClaine (Kate Mara, Rooney's sister) was buried along with the maid. The maid, by the way, was shot through the eye by Mrs. Langdon back in the 80s. But now the maid's ghost is stuck in the house forever. All because of that gazebo Ben put over her grave.


4. "Halloween: Part 1"

Au naturelle.

So is this show like a Halloween special? I think it is, with all the trick-or-treat decorations. Chad (Zachary Quinto) is gay in real life, I've heard. That's the reason he plays gay roles so well. The down syndrome kid just died of a hit-and-run. So that means she wasn't a ghost. But how about the guy in the gimp suit? Is he Tate? If he is, does that mean Tate shot his seed into Mrs. Harmon (Connie Britton)? Then that would mean that the child she's carrying in her belly is a demon. Is that why the nurse fainted from the ultrasound? This show is seriously creeping me out.


5. "Halloween: Part 2"

Still cute despite the blood.

I think this is a double episode, because it actually continues the Halloween story from the previous episode. Ashley Rickards from Awkward is here. Along with a lot of other high school zombies. The only thing I don't like is that the dead are able to interact with the living, like physically. That takes a huge chunk off the creepy factor of this show. Because solid things are not really that creepy.


6. "Piggy Piggy"

The title has nothing to do with him looking like a pig.

All right. That black cop is definitely hitting on Mrs. Harmon. And she's flirting back, the skank. The show starts off with the shootout at the high school. Kind of like Columbine, I think. Except this is LA, here you have stars dying one after the other. Like Eric Stonestreet, who gives a great performance as the guy who's scared of urban legends. And lastly, that Craigslist medium is pretty.


7. "Open House"

"I want that Golden Globe, ya hear?"

Mrs. Langdon seems to have a personal interest in keeping the house just the way it is. So what do you do when a charming, rich Armenian developer proposes to buy the house, with the promise of tearing it down to make way for low-cost housing? You lure the guy to the basement, give him a blowjob, bite his dick off, then suffocate him to near-death. Then make sure his body is off the premises before he expires. Otherwise it's one more ghost to deal with.


8. "Rubber Man"

Not a ninja.

Now we know the history of the gimp suit. It was owned by the gay couple, the last inhabitants of the house before the Harmons. Yes, Chad and the blonde guy. And also, we now know who the guy in the gimp suit was. It was Tate. Yes, it was Tate that twisted Chad's neck while he was bobbing for apples. And he was also the one who impregnated Mrs. Harmon. And lastly, Mrs. Montgomery (Lily Rabe) is also quite pretty. She's the one who looks like Jenny Garth from 90210 way back in the 90s.


9. "Spooky Little Girl"

Don't pretend you don't like this.

Somehow the ghosts just keep on coming. There’s another one now, Elizabeth (Mena Suvari), who was killed by another new ghost (the dentist) and bisected by Dr. Montgomery, the very first ghost of Murder House. Then they have a new ghost, Travis (Michael Graziadei), also bisected (I thought that word was only used in mathematics). And the cliffhanger for this episode: Vivien is carrying twins. And only one of them is Ben’s. The other one is… drumroll… the anti-Christ.


10. "Smoldering Children"

"Yeah, I'm Pinay, so what?"

That male cop is Charles S. Dutton. That female cop, Detective Barrios, is half-Pinay. Her real name is Malaya Rivera Drew. I mean, come on. Anyway, getting past my hobby of spotting Pinoy blood in Hollywood, let’s get on with this show. Ben Harmon finally discovers that Tate was in the gimp suit. And Violet Harmon finally discovers that she’s… dead. No wonder she stopped attending school. Bet nobody saw that coming.


11. "Birth"

"OMG!"

Okay, what the hell is going on now? Vivien dies in childbirth, and so she joins the ever-growing ensemble of ghosts in Murder House. So really, who are the only people who aren’t ghosts? Constance is one, probably. See, I’m not even sure. And maybe Larry the burned-up guy, because he can leave the house, obviously. Well, what about Hayden? How was she able to ride a few blocks in a cop car when Violet can’t even leave the premises? This is all pretty confusing. Unless Hayden didn’t die there. Then that would explain it.


12. "Afterbirth"

"I'm a devil child!"

Woah. This is some pretty sick stuff. Now everyone’s a ghost. Sick, sick, sick. And it’s not because of the Montgomerys, although Dr. Montgomery may be a bit unhinged. It’s all because of Tate Langdon, whose mere presence has just convinced me that psychotic Caucasian teenagers are the most fearsome life forms on this planet. But there’s one thing sicker than Tate Langdon. It’s Tate Langdon, Jr. What a season ender.


Like I said: sick, sick, sick. So everyone who was alive in episode 1 is now dead (with a few exceptions). And everyone who was dead is still dead. Although I'm thinking season 2 of this show would go a different direction from this one. Maybe they'd focus on evil this time, evil inflicted by the brat that is Tate Langdon's son. You know, like that kid Damien from The Omen. I really wish they would take the action away from Murder House this time, because they've already milked everything they could from that place. Well on the other hand, this show is from Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee. And we all know how he likes to milk things dry.



American Horror Story (Season 1). USA. 2011.



Rating: Eight out of ten.
All the pretty women here: Plus half a point.
Final rating: Eight and a half out of ten.




*some info from IMDb
GIFs by Sue Denim
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