Game of Thrones. Season 2, Episode 10: "Valar Morghulis"

So this is how a game of thrones ends. With much drama, and shouts of "What the hell?"

Of course, the game of thrones isn't over yet. Season 2 may be over, but not the game. The game of thrones is a long game. Daenerys hasn't even crossed the sea yet.

Let's do that first line again:

So this is how season 2 ends. With much drama, and shouts of "What the hell?"

MUCH DRAMA

1. Joffrey renounces Sansa Stark and engages himself to Margaery Tyrell

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All it takes to sway Joffrey's mind is to show him some cleavage.

Let us not forget that another strategy to the game of thrones is to turn it into a game of hearts. That means it should be a game of marriages, of unions of houses. But of course, in Westeros, only the common folk marry for love. The highborn marry for alliances.

Joffrey makes major changes not just to his love life, but to his council as well. His uncle Tyrion is out. And his grandfather Tywin is in. As the proper Hand of the King this time.

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This is what Lord Tywin thinks of your fancy
Hand of the King brooch thingy.

2. Stannis strangles the sorceress²

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"Curses, woman! I sure hope that's not an Adam's apple!"

But of course, he doesn't kill her. No one kills a hot redhead like that, especially after she's pledged herself to do your every command (hint: every command).


3. Tyrion Lannister and Shae

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If you haven't seen the episode yet, it looks like
Tyrion is gripping a pillow real tight.

Check out Shae's lines: "I am yours. And you are mine."

If they continue this kind of drama next season, then this show would have invented a brand new genre: the fantasy soap opera.


4. Jon Snow slays Qhorin Halfhand

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"All right, just slide this under your armpit until the director says 'cut!'"

Is that for real? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. But that banter while they were exchanging blows was pretty convincing.


5. Daenerys locks Xaro Xhoan Daxos in his own empty vault

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"It's your fault, Khaleesi, you should've known better than to trust
the only black man on the Qarth council!"

If you want to find a silver lining in this situation, at least Doreah was locked in with him. That way, they can fornicate until they literally drop dead.


6. Maester Luwin and Theon Greyjoy talk heart to heart

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"You will go down in song as 'Theon the Demented'.
Or 'Theon the Incredibly Stupid'."

Now is a good time to point out that the best story arc in the entire season belongs to none other than Theon Greyjoy. His narrative is rationed out a few scenes at a time, and after every scene, Theon just ends up deeper and deeper into the hole he's dug himself into.


7. Maester Luwin says goodbye

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"Osha, I bequeath to you... my maester's bling."

I wanted to cry during this scene. I could already feel tears welling up behind my eyes. How could you not cry, when the man who brought you into this world is now preparing to leave it? Of course, bringing the Stark children into this world would mean that Maester Luwin has also beheld Lady Catelyn's full-frontal fanny³, but it's cool. Maester Luwin is cool.


Apart from the drama, every now and then this episode also makes us shout

WHAT THE HELL?¹

1. Theon Greyjoy loses it

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"When I say 'action', do your best impression of a dog with rabies."

What the hell, Theon? After what Maester Luwin just said?


2. Robb Stark weds Talisa Maegyr

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The old man is disappointed at the recklessness of today's youth.

After having sex just one time, you get married? Aren't you forgetting, Robb Stark, that you've been bethroted to a Frey woman? That deal will come back and bite you in the ass, you mark my words. Stupid kids.


3. Jaqen H'ghar... wait, where is he? He was just here...

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"Now you see me... "

We've all wondered how exactly does Jaqen H'ghar kill. No one knows, apparently. And no one knows how he changed his face. No chance he used a fake mustache on that one.

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"... and now you─uh─see me."

4. Khal Drogo and baby Rhaego

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"Your seed is strong, my sun and stars. Your dark hair overpowered
the silver hair of the Targaryens."

Wait, what is this? Drogo is back? Will he help his queen form a new khalassar and lead them across the water?

No, that's just a hallucination. Jason Momoa's contract was for season 1 only. For this episode, I'm guessing he received a cameo talent fee.


5. Daenerys and her firebolts

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Would've been cooler if it looked like the firebolts
were coming out of her breasts.

After being separated from her children, Daenerys does what any other mother who missed her kids would've done: she teaches them how to spit fire.

So, if dragons can beat powerful dark sorcerers by just exhaling flames, then I think dragons trump everything in the seven kingdoms. And that is why I am rooting for Daenerys. Plus the fact that she's hot.


6. Zombies/Wights/White Walkers/Others

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"Watch me play guitar with my ribs!"

Technically, the word "zombie" does not exist in any of the tongues of the seven kingdoms. The one on horseback is known as a White Walker. They're basically Aryan zombies. Because, you know, blue eyes. Anyway, they're different from the wights. The wights are reanimated corpses of dead humans, brought back to life by the White Walkers. So in this final scene, it's a White Walker on horseback leading a horde of wights to battle.

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"See you in season 3, suckers!"

And at the end of the second season, this show has more or less achieved a working balance between heavy drama and what-the-hellery. For the heavy drama, you can thank the show's creators, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. And for the what-the-hellishness, you can thank the bearded guy in the fisherman's cap.

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"Buy my books."

¹ Originally, "What the fuck?"
² Three-hit alliteration combo
³ Another three-hit alliteration combo