85th Academy Awards Recap, and Why They Won

Oscars

2013 marks my first foray into the wonderful world of Oscar betting. I would've Moneyballed the shit out of it, but the damn bookies took out multiples a week before the ceremony. Because I've already discovered a mathematical formula for calculating Oscar odds. And no, I am not going to share it.

Time

"Loser."

Anyway, the official list of winners can be found on the official Oscar site (of course, where else?), but if you want to read the actual winners, my favorites, and some useless commentary, then by all means, read on.

The Master

TWC/Annapurna

You all know this is an art film, because it can be summed up in one word: BORING. Yeah, art films (or art house films, as they are known in the States) are great, but not all of them are. Some are just downright slow and non-engaging, which is primarily the reason this film is released by Fox Searchlight and not any major studio.

TWC/Annapurna

"What the hell? This isn't Fox Searchlight, dumbass."

Entourage. Season 4

HBO via DCT

The theme for this season: Medellin.

If it were just Lloyd, it'd be gay porn on the screen.

Elementary. Episode 16: "Details"

CBS via DCT

Like Siege Malvar says about this show: “I’m not comfortable with the New Yorker Sherlock Holmes. He could have been his own character; now he can’t break out of the mold.”

CBS

"What if I throw this basketball to break the mold, eh?"

Entourage. Season 3

HBO via DCT

Like most great television shows, sometimes it takes a few seasons before the franchise moves from “great” to “classic”. For me, Season 3 is where it all really picks up. I’ve read some reviews on the web saying that the entire Entourage series peaked during its second season, and no season that followed was quite able to replicate its success.

HBO

Noticeably less sex this season.

Elementary. Episode 15: "A Giant Gun, Filled With Drugs"

CBS via DCT

Although not written by Robert Doherty, this episode makes several canonical references. One is the part about Sherlock Holmes being able to identify a cigarette brand based on the ashes it leaves. Of course you’d know that if you bothered to read his monograph on the subject.

CBS

"I can tell someone's zodiac sign
by the length of his index finger."

Taken 2

20th Century Fox/Europa

Back in 2008, there was a film called Taken, which did “take” a lot of money home from the box office. (See what I did there? The word “take”?) Then in 2012, the same producers decided they wanted to “take” more of our money, so they released a sequel, creatively entitled Taken 2. (See, I used “take” again. Never mind.)

20th Century Fox/Europa

"I see what you did there, and I don't like it."

Elementary. Episode 14: "The Deductionist"

CBS via DCT

If you’ve been watching Elementary since the beginning, then by this time you might have noticed that although Elementary episodes are generally good, there’s “CSI-good”, and then there’s “canon-good”. Well, this episode is neither.

CBS

"I'm bored, Watson. Can you find me a pillow?"

Wreck-It Ralph

Disney

Last year, two animated films reawakened an interest in stop-motion (Frankenweenie and ParaNorman). But Disney (which released Frankenweenie) decided that a black-and-white stop-motion flick might not equal big box office returns, so they made sure to release another flick – a computer-animated one.^{[citation needed]} It’s funny how in Hollywood, computer animation has become the norm, while clay and stop-motion have been relegated to weird, artsy films.

Disney

Screw those artsy animated movies!

Parks and Recreation. Season 1

NBC

How would one describe Parks and Recreation? Six words: Like The Office, but in government. You might say that sounds similar to HBO’s Veep, but Parks and Recreation came way before that. And yes, that means this series is a mockumentary.

NBC

Nothing is more mocking than looking
at the camera with a smile like that.

Hitchcock

Fox Searchlight/Montecito/Cold Spring

If you don’t know who Alfred Hitchcock is, then I suggest you stop masquerading as a cinephile, because you are a liar.

Fox Searchlight/Montecito/Cold Spring

"Cinephile... is that like pedophile?"

ParaNorman

Focus Features/Laika

ParaNorman is the animated version of The Sixth Sense. You know, because he sees dead people. Just kidding.

Focus Features/Laika

But seriously, he sees dead people.

Frankenweenie

Disney

You might be asking yourself “When is Tim Burton going to do a computer-animated flick?” And the answer to that is: probably never.

Disney

"Nevah!"

End of Watch

Exclusive Media/EFF

Before we begin, I need to get a question out of the way: what do you call this type of movie?

Exclusive Media/EFF

"Uh... buddy cop?"

Dredd. Not the Stallone One.

Lionsgate/Reliance/DNA

There’s a saying in pop music that if you’re doing a remake, make sure it’s better than the original. The same goes for movies, I guess.

Lionsgate/Reliance/DNA

Though I think the chin was better in the original.

Entourage. Season 2

HBO

If each season of Entourage had an overarching theme, season 2 would probably be Aquaman, the Cameron-directed fictional flick starring Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier) and Mandy Moore. Taking it a bit deeper, season 2’s theme would probably be water. Water denotes flexibility, the ability to adapt to situations. Or, paraphrasing Bruce Lee, the ability to take the shape of its container. Or something like that. Whatever.

HBO

Bruce Lee. Chinese. Boom.

American Horror Story: Asylum, a.k.a. American Horror Story Season 2

FX

I loved the first season of American Horror Story, even if I am a self-declared wuss. With the show’s second season, creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk have decided to continue the horror, with a different story entitled Asylum. Those used to long-form storytelling might have some confusion here, but what those Glee guys are going for is actually quite novel and refreshing in these modern times, despite it being probably as old as the performing arts itself.

FX

"You do know that you are creepy, right?"

Elementary. Episode 13: "The Red Team"

CBS via DCT

Like I said, the previous episode had all the elements of a season ender (such as being written by Rob Doherty, for instance). But it wasn’t.

CBS

"Who the hell is Rob Doherty?"