Iron Man 3, or How to Bleed a Franchise Dry
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*PISS OFF IF YOU HATE SPOILERS*
Through this movie, I shall be teaching you "How to Bleed a Franchise Dry".
1. First, let everyone know that the studio owns the brand, not the actors. Any actor is basically expendable. And yes, I still have hang-ups over Don Cheadle replacing Terrence Howard.
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| Yeah, just stay in that armor, so I can imagine it's still Terrence Howard. |
2. Second, bring in a new female character. Make her hot enough to be a potential love interest, but not hot enough for people to expect her in another sequel. Because there won't be one.
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| Rebecca Hall's legs look great in short shorts and sneakers. |
3. Third, no sex. No nudity. Not even partial nudity. Have you seen the lines on Gwyneth Paltrow's face whenever the camera moves for a close-up? Exactly.
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| Sorry, no robot on human sex here. |
4. Fourth, even if this third installment has a relatively new (a.k.a. unknown) director, make sure that the previous director has a cameo in there. This is to make it appear that it has a sort of stamp of approval from Jon Favreau. (Stan Lee's cameo has no bearing on whether a Marvel flick is good or bad.)
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| "Actually, I'm just in this for the money." |
5. Fifth, reference Downton Abbey. Because Iron Man is not just for nerds and geeks. It's for wusses, too. (Just kidding. I love Downton Abbey.)
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| I have a strong feeling this was Favreau's idea. |
6. Sixth, put in an adorable kid (whose career will probably not take off).
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| "Just don't grow up to be like me, kid." |
7. Seventh, since this is hopefully the last film of the franchise, give the audience what they want: Iron Men. Lots of them. Throw in a fat Iron Man as well.
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| I guess they're like Green Lanterns, but made of iron? |
8. And lastly, since you basically drained the franchise of everything good, throw in Sir Ben Kingsley in there to save the day.
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| "There's a reason why I don't look Asian." (LOL spoilers!) |
Iron Man 3. USA. 2013.
Original rating: 6.9 / 10
Ben Kingsley's performance: + 0.5
Under-utilizing Guy Pearce's performance: - 0.3
Not showing enough of Rebecca Hall's legs: - 0.2
Ty Simpkins's annoying cuteness: + 0.05
Robert Downey, Jr.'s classic quips: + 0.05
Casting James Badge Dale a.k.a. that guy from The Pacific: + 0.1
Referencing Downton Abbey: + 0.1
Final rating: 7.2 / 10
You might also want to check out the reviews of Iron Man and Iron Man 2.
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