Review: The Lone Ranger

If you mix the ingredients of Gore Verbinski, Johnny Depp, and Walt Disney Pictures, you'd think that you would always end up with a Pirates of the Caribbean movie blockbuster.

They obviously had no Helena Bonham Carter inserted here.

But you're wrong!

Let's play "Spot the Pirate".

The Lone Ranger, as we all know, is a classic tale of a Texas ranger working alone (but of course!) and his trusty sidekick named Tonto.

For the longest time when I was a kid, Tonton was the greatest Indian!

They were heroes in the volatile wild west, but in the movie's intro, an old and washed up Tonto (we could see how Johnny Depp would look like 30 years from now, I suppose), who was supposed to be a noble savageman's wax figure, suddenly tells Will (a kid who enters the wild wild west carnival attraction) narrates how they came to be legends─by robbing a bank! John Reid (a.k.a. "The Lone Ranger" played by Armie Hammer a.k.a. "Winklevoss Twin"). But that scene actually just played out and they were just going to get some dynamite to blow up Latham Cole (Tom Wilkinson)'s train carrying silver.

Actually, I don't want to get narrate-y on this. The plot was really cool and slick, so just watch it. I didn't know that Tonto had a back story. He was actually a li'l crazy because of what happened to his village.

They got the perfect, lunatic actor to play his part. Kudos to Disney!

He really could play the part, maybe because he is part Indian. They also got the best actor to play the crazed outlaw Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner). He could hold his own against Depp's acting prowess. He's got this thing going on with his upper lip so that when he speaks, he could just automatically snag up that Oscar for best supporting actor!

Or the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Award for Best Villain, if there's such a thing.

Red Harrington (Helena Bonham-Carter) is just being Helena on set. A prostitutesque character who had a gun for a leg! Even her role as Marla Singer in Fight Club could've pulled that stunt off.

Even Robert Paulson's tits couldn't hide such guns!

What completed this flick being a western was the usage of the classic Baroque tune that we all associate with horse races and horses chasing each other. And it was played at just the right moment, when the Lone Ranger was on his horse jumping from rooftop to rooftop, and on top of the train cars.

Classic Lone Ranger shit right there!

This gets an 8 out of 10 easily!





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